change-in-itself

I want to change the world!

Say some, who do not know the world was already changed by them. Who is I? What is change? What is the world? Didn’t any of us change the world already when people were aware of us for the first time? Didn’t you change the world of your parents? And more.

Which world are you planning to change? How many of them? What kind of change are you planning to initiate? How big of one?

change the world

Most of human beings, sooner or later, will start to have dreams of changing the world. They think that they can make this shitty place better, or even save it. They can improve the economy, education, health system, politics, technology, what have you. How many people could we find, who would not have an idea on how to change the world? How many people could we find, who would want their world to be changed? The younger the person, the more ambitious the plan.

Let’s go and change the world.

Years go by, the experience shows that family, friends, schools, systems, workplaces, partners do not change. Not in the way I want. I can even fight with them, but I cannot change them.

I hope, at some point, I win the lottery, and the reward becomes: what the hell is going on? There must be something wrong. I am done with this, you know what, I will change myself.

change myself

I am wounded. I am a failure. I am rejected. I knew what was best for anybody and everything. Why did it not happen? I could not control them, I did not have the right to claim control on them, on things outside myself. I only and only have the power to change myself. After all, I only and only have control over myself. What if I am the world? What if I change myself? Would that be changing the world? Sounds interesting. And easier and more possible than the previous plan.

Let’s go and change me.

Years go by, the experience shows that my emotions, my thoughts do not change. Not in the way I want. I can not change my sadness, my fears, my worries, my pain. I can not change my paranoia, my fantasy, my overthinking. My thoughts and my emotions become my family, my schools, my workplaces, my partners. I can even fight with them, but I cannot change them.

I hope, at some point, I win the lottery, and the reward becomes: what the hell is going on? There must be something wrong. I am done with this, you know what, I hope you do, because I do not.

Am I brave enough to leave this unknown alone?

change nothing

I am not able to change what is outside, I am not able to change what is inside. I have no control on the outside, I have no control on the inside. Why am I so useless? Why am I so powerless, so helpless? What is my use in all of this? Who am I? Who is this?

What if outside is inside? And inside is outside?

How come inside and outside look so similar? Almost act in the same way? Almost so beautifully reasoned, almost so ugly-ly randomed. What other ways could I go? Where could I go? What could I do? Why would I do it? What could I become? If I am not the one who has the control and power over changing things, what is that causing all of this? Who the fuck am I in relation to change-in-itself?

Maybe I will just stay here right in between, where they both, inside and outside, meet. And just be.