conflict analysis framework
There have been many moments in my life when I found myself fighting on multiple fronts—family, romance, work, school, and friendships. My best strategies were to retreat, attack, move away, or cut off contact completely. I was patient in some ways. I would wait long enough, stay silent long enough until the air could no longer fit in the balloon.
I remember one moment vividly. I was on the defensive side because it was after one of those attacking incidents—the calm after the storm, back in analysis mode. I explained to myself and to the other person:
“It’s like an animal being cornered. If you corner an animal and leave no space for him, he will attack you. You leave him no choice.”
That was the best I came up with. Deep down, though, I was not happy with my conclusion. I could not accept being an animal without a choice. I just couldn’t. But at the same time, that was what I was. I witnessed it many times—that was what I was, that was what was happening to me.
I was moving from one conflict to another. I was like a developer who was patching software again and again for each “new” bug. One bug at a time. I did ship fast, fail fast, fix fast. I was very successful at saving the day, but it was getting exhausting. It was time for this issue to be analyzed properly.
From Excel to Notion
Excel to the rescue. I decided to collect my conflicts in an Excel file (a bug list). Even before my project took off, I had a bigger and more urgent issue in my life to deal with. My software could not accept any more bug fixes. I could not maintain it anymore. The technical debt was too high.
I put aside the conflicts project because I needed to investigate and understand the existing software itself (myself). So I spent years in therapy and journaling.
After a loooong time, I felt the need for the conflicts project again. Conflicts were all around. My understanding of conflicts had evolved. Excel was going to be too primitive for the job. I needed something more dynamic, more flexible, more creative.
I finally decided to try Notion. I was familiar with the tool, but it always felt too complex. We were, in a sense, in conflict. It was intimidating. This time, I was confident I could resolve my conflicts, so I started by understanding what Notion was all about.
Notion became a great tool with database tables, views, and pages. The table, its views, and grouping were important because they gave me a lot of flexibility to add new properties and to look at the data in many different ways. When that wasn’t enough, I prototyped more by creating lists in pages and linking views with filters.
Conflict-Driven Design
I used Notion as a tool for visualization. My experience with therapy, my knowledge from books, my past, and ChatGPT all acted as domain experts.
I began entering data into the system.
Conflicts drove the design. The design gave shape to the conflicts.
With each new property, I reached to a different understanding of the conflicts. Interestingly, new insights brought forgotten conflicts from the past into daylight.
I used relations, feelings, interactions, resolutions, descriptions, requests, boundaries, judgments, needs, values, violations, and even colors to cluster them so I could validate some patterns and discover new ones. I kept iterating until my understanding gave me a satisfying explanation for all of them.
It was painful. I had to revisit all those memories, sometimes relive them. It was hard to swallow the cases where I was fully convinced I was in the right, but suddenly I saw I was so wrong. It was heartbreaking to see how unprotected I was. I lacked the most basic relationship survival skills. I felt so small, so shameful, seeing how entitled I acted at times. I was frustrated with myself for giving people what I disliked myself.
It was like playing with a ball in my hands. Once I started playing with it, it got hot. I had to stop when it became burning hot. It wasn’t a dance on fire; it was crawling through fire.
Imaginary Conflicts
Meditation became the ground for integrating it all. I sat with what my analysis gave me, and I opened my eyes to new insights. They fed each other; they complemented each other.
I imagined new conflicts with the same people. I imagined old conflicts with the same people. I replayed them repeatedly. I observed and analyzed them in real time. They kept playing in my imagination, and I directed them.
I saw anger, fear, sadness, guilt, entitlement, manipulation, violence, arrogance, ignorance, and many more. Both of my own, and of the other person.
I saw my own anger, I saw their anger, I saw my fear, I saw their sadness, I saw my guilt. Now I could see what had not been visible to me before. There was more than a problem. There were two people. I saw myself in them; I saw them in myself.
I hugged them, I held their hands, I sat with them, I prayed with them. I tried to make it peaceful again. They were not getting what they wanted. Life didn’t give them what they wanted. Life took from them what they didn’t want to give. It was painful, so painful. I know it. I love them, each one of them, for being human. Little by little, I found my heart again. It melted. It was no longer a fist but a wing.
My problems became my solutions; my conflicts gave me the resolutions.
In my imagination or in reality, I try to catch myself each time I am reactive, each time I fail to practice my resolutions. The resolutions are there to interrupt and redirect me to an open mind, to an open heart.