I am leaving

I need to go.
I cannot stay here any longer.

My mind is not coming with me.
Neither is my heart.
I thought I could move mountains,
But now, not even my body.
I need to go.
I cannot stay here any longer.

I am alone in this crowd.
I am happy in my tears.
I am sad in my smiles.
I am confused in my confidence.
I am silent in my screams.
I am love in my hate.
I am hate in my love.
I am going, but to where?

I want to not come back more than I want to go.
I don’t want to take anything, nor leave any behind.
I am angry that I need to go.
I am scared that they won’t let me go.

I am lost like a small child.
I am not in control any more.
I am blind to any helping hand.
I don’t want to be controlled.
I can neither trust them nor myself.
Something is taking me away.
Stronger than all,
Why don’t you tell me who you are?

Istanbul, 2019