the resolutions

I think it is something naturally built in us that, when we reach an end, we look at the past. They are always stops between two points. So, I looked at the past at many different ends, and here is what I saw.

Here is an ambitious list of to-dos that I began building right before my 20s, continuing until the beginning of my 30s.

The list was dynamic, but this was its essence. This was the picture. And it seemed it could keep me busy until the grave.

Things were going to change, though, when an iron ball cut through it all.

I was falling to the ground more than I could stand up. It wasn’t long, I believe, before I realized that I was trying to catch my tail. There was something wrong. I had to take a pause.

So I did. I told myself, “If I am ever going to be happy, it’s going to be right here with what I have right now. I am not running or going anywhere for that again.” So I stayed still as much as I could.

It was the first level of meditation.

It was meditation without knowing I was meditating. I sat without crossing my legs or closing my eyes.

Valuable Memories in Between

In my last months, right before leaving Turkey and moving to Belgium, I met Caner, my manager at YKB. I would like to share two of many valuable teachings I received from him. They somehow bridged that time to now perfectly. They helped me understand what I saw then and how I see things now.

The first one was about the slogan of the company: “The digital bank of Turkey.” It pissed me off every time I saw that. I knew that some of their practices didn’t live up to that claim. How dare they?

One day, I shared that frustration with my manager, Caner. He kindly let me know that it wasn’t a claim the way I saw it but a goal, an aspiration, a destination. It put ice on my burning fire. So simply, so gently.

After his explanation, the way I saw them changed. My frustration disappeared. Now I could see the company with different eyes. They were doing their best, in their capacity, in their conditions, with their constraints. I admired what they were trying.

Another time, he gently told me, “Your internal world is not matching with the external world, and that bothers you.” I felt so seen, I felt so understood. Finally, someone was telling me that I wasn’t crazy. I thought to myself: Yes, that’s the exact reason I’m leaving my family, my work, my country—all behind.

I wanted my world to be the world.
I was determined to close that gap.

Five Years Later

I failed to close that gap. Let alone closing it, it even grew wider. Each of my arms moved in opposite directions, and finally, I was torn apart.

Recently, I found myself thinking about Caner’s observation again. What I tried was one way. There was another way to close the gap. I had to fall down and stand up numerous times before I could finally see it from that angle.

I wanted my truth to be the truth.
I want the truth to be my truth now.

I want the world to be my world.
I am determined to close that gap now.

Conflict Analysis

For a long time, I wanted a way to see my conflicts in a systematic way, and I finally found a way to visualize the conflicts in my life—family, friendships, romance, work, and more.

It was like a Rubik’s Cube, unknown in size. Even before attempting to solve it, first, I had to construct the Rubik’s Cube itself. I looked at it again and again until it became a Rubik’s Cube. Only then could I see some solutions.

The Resolutions

I was surprised by one of my categorizations for my conflicts. They were simple statements. They didn’t tell me what I need to do, what I lack, what I did wrong, or how horrible a person I was.

Upon closer inspection, I saw it. Caner’s explanation was helping me understand what these statements communicate. I saw the same spirit in them, too. They are not claims but aspirations. Here is the list:

This time, it is not about unlocking another freedom externally. This time, it is not defined by or dependent on external factors. This time, it is not about adding something, but removing. This time, it is not about successes but failures. This time, it is not about conquering others or the world, but my own self.

These statements are special in a way. They have failure built into them. There is no failing in trying these. Every moment, every situation, is an opportunity for practice. When one of them fails, others are there to rescue. It is a self-sustaining system.

These are my resolutions for my conflicts, for my new year, for my new life.

These are my resolutions for all new conflicts, for all new years, for all new lives.

When one says: I am mortal,
Dying brings joy every moment.
Every moment realizes him, his nature.