Three plus One

Teens to twenties

I managed to have my parents buy the first computer in high school. In addition to usual stuff, I met rap music, hacking, and programming for the first time by myself. That took me down a rabbit hole, making me realize what I am capable of doing just myself. It was one of the first of many rabbit holes to come.

I had to take the university exam with millions of other students. It is a whole year of preparation. I have made my own decision to study where(Istanbul) and what(computer engineering) before the race started. That experience made me realize a lot of things about myself when I saw the finish line.

I moved from one side of the country to another. Now I am in Istanbul. Away from family. I was going to witness the two sides of freedom.

As I was getting quite familiar with my aiming and shooting skills. I laid out the plan and vision for my university years. I had to learn the English language, I had to go to Erasmus.

Now it is clear to me that when I see an end, I can find all ways to it.

twenties to thirties

All alone in Istanbul,
all alone in Sweden,
all alone in Belgium.

All the way from the top to all the way to the bottom. Again and again.

My heart steps onto the stage, where emotional, psychological, philosophical victories and disasters take place.

I had two serious relationships.
They were playgrounds for a child to learn.
I enjoyed the highest, I suffered the lowest.
I laughed the hardest, I cried the loudest.
I hurt them, they hurt me.
I got to know myself
in different colors,
in different clothes,
in different locations.
I got a peek inside human nature.
I am infinitely grateful,
and in debt for all they brought in my life.
I carry no hate but love for them.

One was like my high-school education, the other one was like my university education. I took some extra support from a therapist for some failed classes, which was similar to Erasmus experience. I had a chance to practice the language of emotions(another freedom unlocked).

I explored psychological, philosophical territories(other rabbit holes found). I become my own therapist, my own philosopher. I enjoyed being an author. While reaching my thirties, I think I made good friends with my heart. I start to appreciate for what it is. If I opened my mind around my twenties, then I can say I opened my heart around my thirties.

Now I know I can swim in the deepest ocean,
not only fly in the highest sky.
Now I know what kindness is,
not only what success is.
Now I know what I am,
not only what I am expected to be.

thirties to forties

Now I know a lot about how both previous two happened. I can observe and foresee what is happening here also. It is still too early, but surprisingly I see lots of going on already.

This is where the star of the game is the body. In another way, the new baby in the family is the body.

I got my driving license(another freedom unlocked), I started yoga, gym, and crossfit(other rabbit holes found). Earlier I had mental goals, and emotional goals, now additionally I have physical goals. I am becoming my own athlete. I am entertaining the idea of writing a blog post on my journey into being an athlete.

I know how sharp and clear my mind can think,
I know how kind and warm my heart can feel,
I am learning how to feel at home also in my body.
I like the feeling of being like steel,
I am building a third home for myself.

I am excited and curious to see where this journey will lead me to.

plus one

This one is society. I believe once I build my own family, my society by bringing together my mind, my heart and my body. I will know more about society. I will know more that everyone has their importance, their place, their weaknesses and strengths. That it is not a good idea to neglect one over another, to see one lower or higher than another. Once one is put in good, then the other one by default goes in bad.

We can think of other layers stacked one over another while society sits next to all three layers. Like the infrastructure layer in DDD.

I like my way, not because I think it is the right way, but only because it is my own way. As any other way, it has all the freedom to express itself, it will find all the freedom to express itself. Someone else’s way being right does not make mine wrong. Or the other way. It only means we both exist on the same land as different flowers, both beautiful in our own ways.

Once the idea was that I did not ask to be born.
Now the idea is that I am not born yet.

Happy birthday to me.
I celebrate my birthday to day.
I celebrate my existence to day.
I celebrate the witnessing of my existence to day,
of me being born to this day.
I am grateful to all parts, pieces, and people making my existence possible.