Here we go again, This is our new dance. I cannot hold you, You are not that, You are not this, You are that in this, You are this in that.
It is while it is not, It is not while it is. These are on two separate lines— How can I show them as one?
There is but there is no answer. I believe don’t. It does not make sense.
He had an answer. His mind was not split anymore. Finally, he had a good night’s sleep. He woke up alone. He was in someone else’s bed, in a stranger’s house. He made the bed—the half that he used. As he walked out, he saw that his picture, which was once in the room, had been removed.
He prepared himself a cup of coffee and ate the leftover pizza. It was a long journey ahead; he had to be ready for it.
I was back from my usual morning walk. I don’t know exactly when my mind started cooking this idea. I only got to know when it was ready to eat. After I got back home, I said:
We are going to start a project together.
Then AI said:
That sounds exciting! What kind of project do you have in mind?
Getting Intimate with AI In the weekend, I mingled with ChatGPT a bit too much I think.
Yutulmayan Lokma Evinden uzakta bir yerde bir grubun içindeydi.
Grup dışarıda akşam yemeği yemek istedi. Grup liderinin öncülüğünde bir araç ile gitmeye karar verdiler.
Cüzdanı yanında değildi. Odasına gitti, onlara katılmadan önce kimliğini bulmak istiyordu. Askıdaki birçok ceketin cebini karıştırdı. Cüzdanını aradığı yerde bulamıyordu. Paniklemeye başladı. Geç kalacaktı. O arada diğerlerini dışarıdaki araca yönlendiriyordu. Sonunda kendi cüzdanının kendi cebinde olduğunu fark etti. Dışarıya doğru yöneldi.
Araç, grup ile birlikte hareket etmeye başlamıştı.
Işıklar yandı.
Perdeler kalktı.
Oturuyor. Tam ortada, bir sandalyenin üzerinde. O kadar rahat ki…
Hareket etmek ya da konuşmak için en ufak bir baskı hissetmiyor.
Tüm sakinliğiyle durmaya devam ediyor.
Etrafında seyircilerin varlığını fark ediyor.
Seyircileri tanımıyor. Seyirciler de onu. Zaten kimsenin yüzü görünmüyor.
Elinde hiçbir senaryo yok. Onların elinde ise biletleri.
Her iki taraf da bekliyor. Kimse neden buradayız diye sormuyor.
Hangisi oynayacak, hangisi diğerini izleyecek, belli değil.
Ağlamaya başlıyor.
Karanlık olsun istiyordu. Zifiri karanlık. Gözlerinin açık mı kapalı mı olduğunu bilmeyecek kadar karanlık olsun istiyordu. Küçücük odası zaten az ışık alıyordu. O ışık, onu bir çözüm bulmaya zorladı ve aylar sonra gözünün önündeki cevabı o çatlaklar sayesinde gördü. İstediği karanlığa sonunda kavuşmuştu.
Karanlık ilginç bir yerdi. Kendisi görmüyordu, bu başka hiçbir gözün de göremeyeceği anlamına geliyordu. Peki, ne yapacaktı bu karanlıkta? Ne yapabilirdi? İstediği her şeyi yapabileceğini düşündü, her şeyi.
What are you afraid of? I don’t know. What do you have to lose? My faith. What will happen? I will be out of control.
Nehrin aktığı yatak ve etrafı, Nasıl da canlı. Bir de onun kurumuş, terk edilmiş tarafı, Nasıl da yalnız, Her ikisi de hayatın birer parçası, Nehrin bir tarafında, Birini daha çok arzulayan, Diğer tarafında, İkisini aynı kefeye koyan, Parçalarım var. Nehrin farklı parçaları, Ama beraber değiller, Nehir değiller.
I’m in a sports session, and we’re trying to do a backflip. I keep only doing it halfway. I rise above the ground a little, but my leg doesn’t go fully behind my head. It lifts up, but I fall back down.
An instructor appears and explains some theory, saying things like, “Do this, do that.” They hold up a target for me to kick my leg toward, and I give it a try.
Standing without ground, Knowing without memory, Thinking without mind, Strength without power,
Fail me! Make me second! Show me better! Humiliate me! Take it away from me! Break me! Teach me who I am!
Right or wrong, Good or bad, Happiness or sadness, Fear or safety, Don’t be their slave. Lie on the ocean, It will carry you— Freedom without choice.
How strong you are In your desires, How clever you are In your games, How creative In your defenses, How strategic In your attacks.
Ben onları görüyorum. Ama onlar beni değil. Ben onlara özeniyorum. Ama onlar bana değil. Ben onları biliyorum. Ama kendimi?
Bir fareyim ben. Ben onları rahatsız ediyorum. Ama onlar beni değil. Ben yanlış yerdeyim, Ama onlar değil. Gündüz onlarla birlikteyim. Ama geceleri değil.
Bir fareyim ben. Ben de yiyorum. Ben de giyiniyorum. Ben de uyuyorum. Ben de çalışıyorum. Ben de yaşıyorum. Ama onların yaptığı gibi değil.
Bir fareyim ben. Ben onları arzuluyorum.
I was so young, Innocent and ignorant, Incapable and incompetent.
Would you ever have imagined this day? Coming here to meet you, A piece of you still living in this place.
How brave you were. You did many things right. Some were brighter and better. Thank you for all of that. Thank you.
The place has changed, And so have you, he said.
How insecure you were. How confident you are now.
What have I done to deserve this?
Relax. You are safe. You are safe with me. I watch you. I watch over you.
I don’t watch to judge. Be yourself. Be yourself with me. It is only you and me. We are both alone.
I don’t know if I deserve this. There is no deserving. There is only this. Only experience.
I feel guilty. As if I’m doing something wrong. There is no wrong, Where this is coming from.
Güneşin doğmasını bekliyorum. İzliyorum.
Uzun uzun giden elektrik telleri. İleride rüzgar gülleri dönüyor. Trenler akıyor rayların üzerinde, Gökyüzünde uzaklarda uçaklar var, Birkaç tane de kuş var, uçuyorlar. Evlerin çatıları, Ağaçların tepesi görünüyor.
Ne kadar güzel. Bunları bu kadar uyumlu yapan ne?
Bir gözün gördüğünü, İki göz göremez. Bir elin yaptığını, İki el yapamaz.
Yıllarca gittim, Evlerinin önünde oturdum bekledim, O kızların. Görünmelerini ve kaybolmalarını, Bir günden diğerine, Birinden diğerine. Ne yapıyordum?
Why are they fighting? What can’t they share? Why are they against each other When they can support one another? How can they not see it?
Mouth opens, Involuntarily, Forcibly.
Why don’t you eat When you have all this? How is this preferable To all you could enjoy? How? One is poor and unfortunate; Then what are you?
Mouth opens, Involuntarily, Forcibly.
Are you scared? Are you shocked? Are you amazed?
Oturuyorum. İzliyorum. Bir hiçim, Etrafımdaki insanlar, Ve olaylar için. Hiçbir anlamım, Hiçbir değerim yok. Ne ne olduğumu, Ne ne yaptığımı biliyorlar. Oysaki onlar nerede olduklarını, Kimlerle olduklarını, Ne yaptıklarını biliyor görünüyorlar.
Binaların oluşturduğu boşlukta, Başka bir yapının etrafında toplanmışlar, Birileri buraya yem atmış gibi, Balıklar geliyor ve gidiyor, Birbirlerini tanıyanlar, Birbirine düşman olanlar var. Hepsi farklı, Ama aynı şeyi yapıyorlar.
Oyalanıyorlar gibi görünüyor, Bir şeyi mi bekliyorlar, Bekledikleri şeyi biliyorlar mı?
I am not helpless. I can do this.
I will be a slave When I am free. I will be a friend When an enemy. I will come When I go enough. Let me go!
What do I need, Other than breath? What do I need, Other than bread? Let me go!
The world is happening, With or without me. Let me go!
Natural found only in nature: Food, human, art.
Dance!
Where is the floor? What are the moves?
On a trampoline, Jump! Jump higher!
Wave the ocean like a blanket, Ride the mountains, Fly over the birds, Be a friend to the sun, Leave the earth, Be inspired by the moon.
He is always the same, Clouds flavor him, Earth is the one Making day and night.
Know while on the floor, There is A start and a stop, But no such thing Known to him.
What is so beautiful about emptiness? Silence, Loneliness, Darkness, Hunger,
A city before waking up, A forest before going to sleep, Sky at dawn, Sun at rise, Stillness, Travelling.
They are pregnant, To something.
Mind overwhelmed with, Unknown, uncertain, and uncontrolled. Causes, Fear, anxiety, and chaos.
Heart welcomes with, Curiosity, faith, and submission. Gives, Love, hope, and peace.
Emptiness is a womb. Emptiness is whole.
With all the precision, He had in his coffee cup, He positioned his headphones. Holding his pen, Now he is ready.
He could engineer his art, But couldn’t art his engineering.
The blood will flow. From the heart, Or from the mind. Who could stop it? Only the one who gave life to it. One will beat the music, The other will juggle the thoughts. Body will be their pen, and when whole, They start dancing.
Mühendis olduğumu düşünmüştüm.
Kodumu şiir gibi yazarım,
Problemlere sunduğum çözümler,
Sanat eserlerim olur demiştim.
Takım oyuncusu olmak istemiştim,
Başkalarının sanatının, sanatsızlığının,
Eseri olmuşum oysaki.
Eğer olacaksam birinin,
Eli, ayağı ve ağzı,
Bu sen mi olacaksın?
Ne kadar da büyüksün?
Ne kadar da güçlü?
Sen kiminsin peki?
Elliği, ayaklığı, ağızlığısın.
Putperestlere tapanlar,
Komik mi geliyor sana?
Aynada baktın mı kendine?
Yoksa sadece,
Diğerlerinde mi gördün kendini?
Çirkinliğin bulaşıyor,
Elin, ayağın, ağzın olduğumda.
Suç işleyeceğim yeri buldum. İşleyeceğim suçu bilmiyorum, Ne suç işleyeceğimi bilmiyorum. Beceriksiz bir katilim,
Sevişeceğim yeri bilmiyorum, Sevişeceğimi bilmiyorum, Beceriksiz bir aşığım,
Tartışacağım konuyu bilmiyorum, Tartışacaklarımı da bilmiyorum, Beceriksiz bir felsefeciyim,
Yöneteceklerimi de bilmiyorum, Nasıl yöneteceğimi de, Beceriksiz bir politikacıyım,
Bildiğim tek şey, Bildiğimde biliyorum, Vardığımda biliyorum, Gördüğümde biliyorum.
Bu nasıl bir yolculuk? Bu nasıl bir kaybolmuşluk? Yolculuğu yapan kim? Rehber kim? Yol hangisi?
Ne aradığımı bilmiyorum, Hangi yöntem ile arayacağımı da, Bildiğimi biliyorum.
Bu bir isyan değil. Bu bir kabuldür. Bu bir başkaldırı değil, Bu teslimiyettir. Bu gözyaşları çaresizliğim değil, Bu senin çarendir. Bu bir gidiş değil, Bu bir geliş. Bu senin yokluğun değil, Bu senin varlığındır. Bu benim büyümem değil, Bu senin büyüklüğündür. Bu benim hak etmem değil, Bu senin rızandır. Bu benim değil, Bu senin sevgindir.
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Daha önce birçok yerden gittim, Şehirlerden, ülkelerden, Mahallelerden, okullardan, Evlerden, işyerlerinden, Arkadaşlardan, sevgililerden, Ailemden. Kendimden gittiğim oldu mu hiç?
Korkuyorum, Kendimden gitmekten. Ben sadece kendime ait değilim, Ben senin olmuşum, Ben diğerinin olmuşum. Ben deli olduğumda, Sana olmuşum.
Korkuyorum, Kendimden gitmekten. Seni kaybetmekten değil, senin için üzülüyorum. Dedim ya, deli olmaktan değil, Deli görünmekten korkuyorum. Delirmekten değil, sana deli görünmekten korkuyorum. Kendimden gittiğim zaman, Sana kendimi veremiyorum.
Üzüldüğümü biliyorum, Diğer yerlerden gitmekten.
Onlara sormadılar. Söylediler. Evleneceksiniz dediler.
Erkek olan evlenmek istemedi. Sebepleri önemli miydi?
Kadın olan evlenmek istemedi. Sebepleri önemli miydi?
Erkek olan kabul etti, babasına olan saygısından mı?
Kadın olan kabul etti, babasına olan sevgisinden mi?
Evlendiler. Oynadılar. Oyun başladı.
Gün geldi, Erkek olan kadına sormadı, söyledi. Emretti. Görsün istiyordu. O da hayır demişti, ama ne olmuştu? Hayır demesinin hiçbir işe yaramadığını görsün istiyordu. O durumda olmanın ne demek olduğunu bilsin istiyordu.
Güneşe doğ diyemezsin, Güneşe bat da diyemezsin. Güneşe ulaşamazsın. Güneşe dokunamazsın. Ben güneşim.
Çiçeğe aç diyemezsin, Çiçeğe kapan da diyemezsin. Ben çiçeğim.
Dünyaya dön diyemezsin, Dünyaya dönme de diyemezsin, Ben dünyayım.
Kalbine at diyemezsin, Kalbine atma da diyemezsin, Ben kalbinim.
Dağa git diyemezsin, Dağa gel de diyemezsin, Ben dağım.
Nehire ak diyemezsin, Nehire akma da diyemezsin, Ben nehirim.
Rüzgara es diyemezsin, Rüzgara esme de diyemezsin, Ben rüzgarım.
Yağmura yağ diyemezsin, Yağmura yağma da diyemezsin, Ben yağmurum.
This is a war, Not an attack, But a stance of defense, What am I to defend? Something which is mine, and only mine.
I don’t know my territory, I don’t know how to defend either, Neither do I know the attackers. There is only one thing I know: When I am under attack. Be my guide. Be my light. I am ready to follow.
You are my birthright, You are not given, You cannot be taken either, You have been taken at times, I love you with your scars, Be my guide, Be my light, I am ready to follow.
I arrived in this new place some time ago. I was rooted at this place then. Day after day, my roots have grown deeper into this land. I became increasingly emotionally involved and invested. I was affected by its air, light, and water in this environment. In return, I also affected the environment by providing shade, delicious fruits, and more. However, my leaves started scattering dirt all over the place, causing a mess.
“We are leaving. You are all coming with me,” he announced his order.
“Where are you taking us? Where is that place? Why are you taking us to such a faraway place?” she asked, her face shocked and punched with frustration. She protested; her face was her poster.
He was so sure of himself. He just let them know what was going to happen, to them, by his decision.
“I have my family, my relatives, my siblings, my life here.
A small child plays, His father is upset with something, He beats his son, The son is probably filled with anger, Neither him nor his anger can escape,
A smaller child plays, His big brother upsets him, The big brother locks himself behind a door, Now smaller child is filled with anger, Neither him nor his anger can escape,
The smallest is stupid, He does not know how to play the game, How could the weakest find weaker?
I am on the edge of the bridge, I taste the gun in my mouth, I am counting the pills in my hand, I am looking at the train rails, I feel the coldness of the steel on my arm,
What a point to be! What a place to be! How did I get here? What took me here?
Suicide as an option, Who would have thought it? Suicide with multiple forms, Who could imagine it?
Bir anlamsızlık gelir, Karın her yerini sarması gibi, Vücudunu kaplar bütünüyle, Kar topu oynarsın anlamsızlıkla, Toparlar bir bütün yapar, Tekrar atarsın üzerine,
Çığ kadar güçlüsün çoğaldığında, Kar kadar güçsüzsün eridiğinde, Su da öyle değil mi? Bir damla ve bir okyanusta, Ben neden farklı olayım ki?
Kar da korkuyor mudur, Kimsenin dokunmadan kaybolmasından, Su da güçlü hissediyor mudur kendini, Kimsenin okyanusa dokunamamasından,
Su kar oluyor, Kar da su, Kardan adam nasıl oluyor?
I am sitting over a landscape, I create these mountains, And they are my memories, I create these rivers, And they are my emotions, I create these clouds, And they are my thoughts.
I travel to the other places, I create these countries, In the past and the future, located they are, I visit their landscapes in the present, too.
I build this world I live in, I had volcanic explosions, I had earthquakes and tsunamis, I also destroy this world I live in,
Sabah trafikteyim. Evin önünde pazar olduğu için ve okula bir sürü öğrenci araç ile bırakıldığı için kalabalık bir durum var. Yolda bekliyorum arabada, yerim sıcak, etrafıma bakıyorum. Yolun ilerisinde, diğer şeritte, çocuklarını bırakan bazı arabalar, dönüp trafik olan taraftaki kuyruğa giriyorlar. Onlar araya girdikçe benim arabam hiç ilerlemiyor, aslında en arkaya gitmeleri gerekiyor. Sinirlendiğimi fark ediyorum. Bazılarının arkaya gittiğini de görüyorum, benim önüme geçmeye çalışırlarsa yol vermeyeceğimi hayal ediyorum.
Öfkem kalabalıklaşmaya devam ediyor, zihnimdeki trafik öfkem olmaya başlıyor.
I am sitting on the ground. My back rests on a circular column. I must be tired. Still, I can see scary things happening around me. I am scared. I am terrified. I cannot think, I cannot move. That feeling is my whole world, my whole being. I do not know what to do. I am not able to think anything anyway. I am not there anymore; it is just that feeling.
Thought! Rise! As the most paranoid one, As the most disgusting one, As the most inhumane one, As the darkest one, As the most socially, culturally rejected one, As the most unthinkable one,
Emotion! Rise! As the most scariest one, As the most shameful one, As the most devastating one, As the saddest one, As the loneliest one, As the heaviest one,
Will I stand? Can I stand? How could it be?
I am there, watching. Where the sun is rising. Slowly, how beautiful. Brings all the light and hope, Sunshine soon will cover me, All those colors, how magical. I feel alive and joyful. Soon, I will be filled with gratitude. My palm will celebrate. I will forget about loneliness.
I am there, watching. Where the loneliness is rising, Slowly, how heavy. Brings all the dark and desperation, Tears soon will cover me, No colors, how scary.
Is where there is. Fear, Is caused by the picture with 7 uncomfortable differences, Heartbeat, Is a wave removing differences on the sand, Breath, Is wind following the wave, less effective Boredom, Is the border to what being run from Crying, Is water moving from known place to unknown Power and control, Is just fooling oneself until one can’t, Bravery, Is where both voice and act meet Love, Is arrival at a new place.
I know now, What I feel today, What I think today, Will not be same tomorrow, I know it happens, I don’t know how it happens, It gives me both, Comfort and uneasiness, It makes me feel both, Powerful and helpless, It fills me full of both, Fear and love, Hopelessness and curiosity,
I am not a part of any of this I cannot touch it I cannot hold it I cannot stop it It just happens.
straight line This is a path, where I can see the end. I can see the whole path from the beginning to the end.
When I see it once, it is highlighted. When I see it, I am at the beginning of it. It is seen most visibly among many other paths.
Isn’t that cool? Isn’t that safe? Isn’t that comfortable?
I am in control. I know where I start. I know where I end.
Oturuyorum. Karşımda. Tek boyutlu bir görüntü var. Ses yok. Hareket yok. Kimse yok etrafımda. Kuşlar nerede? Kimse gelecek mi? Bir önemi var mı? Dünya üzerinde. Hayal edebildiğim, görebildiğim o boşlukta, Tek başımayım. Korkuyorum önce. Panik olmak üzereyim. Çaresizim. O yoğunluğun, karanlığın, ağırlığın İçindeyim. Yapabildiğim tek şeyi yapıyorum, Ağlıyorum. Sonra birden. Aniden. Seviyorum. O anı.Önümde cansız bir şekilde. Yalnızlık. Ne kadar yalnızım. Ne kadar da yalnızım. Korkuyorum yalnızlıktan. Aşık oluyorum orada, yalnızlığa.
How many books, movies, songs, How many families, friends, lovers, How many cities, countries, continents, How many schools, universities, companies, How many philosophers, psychologists, How many gurus, scientists, prophets, Are going to tell me who I am? What a pointless expectation,
I thought I knew how it felt When I knew the answer, I am not even so sure of that anymore, I don’t know the answer, I don’t have a way to check the answer, What a pointless endeavour,
Teens to twenties I managed to have my parents buy the first computer in high school. In addition to usual stuff, I met rap music, hacking, and programming for the first time by myself. That took me down a rabbit hole, making me realize what I am capable of doing just myself. It was one of the first of many rabbit holes to come.
I had to take the university exam with millions of other students.
I am half of mother, half of father, Both biologically and psychologically, I am as strong as each individually, But I am as weak as both together,
They are both warriors, They are both victims, They don’t know how to leave, They don’t know how to stay,
She rejects changing her situation, She rebels in changing, He rejects accepting his situation, He rebels in accepting,
I carry both with me, in me, I am her when I am with him I am him when I am with her, I am both when I am alone.
I couldn’t help you, I didn’t know how to take care of you, I couldn’t be there for you, I didn’t know how support you, I am sorry for running away from you. For leaving you all alone, I am sorry.
Istanbul, 2019
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Dark skies turn into blue, Muddy water turns into crystal,
In crowd, I cannot hear you, I cannot see you. I feel home, I feel whole, In your arms.
In crowd, I am paralyzed, I am scared. I feel ready to live, I feel ready to die, In your arms.
In crowd, We are just two. In your arms, I am the distance between us.
I don’t want to be powerful to overcome mountains I want to be powerful to undergo mountains
Can a mountain turn into a river?
Can something be both a mountain and a river?
A dry, silent, still volcano moves, and starts to burn itself from the core. It burns until nothing is left but the fire itself. Then it starts to overflow to its own mind, heart, body, and keeps going to the rest of it.
Let it overflow and burn the whole world.
Leave nothing but yourself.
I don’t want to be who I want to be, I want to be who I am, Who am I?
I am not walking to who I am, I am walking who I am.
I am not scared of you anymore. I am you. Lead the way. You are the way.
I am not looking for answers anymore. I trust you now, I know you don’t need any answers, Because you don’t have any questions,
Right or wrong. Which one?
Can there be a right answer to a wrong question?
What if they are the same?
Freedom or slavery. Which one?
Can you separate one thing from its own?
What if they are the same?
Good or bad.
Left or right.
Win or lose.
Happy or sad.
Alive or dead.
That or this.
What if they are the same?
What happens when all is the same?
Leaves are following the same path as humans.
In all colors and shapes,
Leaves are falling back on earth leaving their tree completing their lives.
The tree in winter. All alone. In dark. In silence. Cold and naked without its leaves.
How do leaves feel not being part of winter?
Why do even the tree give life to new leaves?
Doesn’t it know that they are going to leave him eventually?
I am just back from a 21-days-long trip to Indonesia with a group. I found the package on joker.be. Traveling outside of Europe was one of my 5 goals when I moved to Belgium. I am happy to see that it happened. Let’s see how that turned out.
trip I am really thankful to Joker.be company for making this a possibility. I think what they do is a great achievement. I would never imagine buying such a package trip/holiday would be as valuable as this.
My heart is covered in ice Then I cry And now that is melting through my eyes
I am sky full of dark and heavy clouds Then I cry And I am the most beautiful shining blue
I am a yellow, dry, lifeless dessert Then I cry And I am a green, wet, the most alive forest
I am a calm, almost no breathing sea Then I cry And I am full of wild weaves keep hitting rocks
He is leaving me. He is walking away from me. He is becoming a memory day after day. He is just becoming a stranger now.
I don’t want to keep him. I don’t want to get rid of him. I cannot do anything about it. I can just be.
You were smart. You were strong. You were independent. You were resilient. You were a warrior. You were admirable. You were beautiful in your own way.
I don’t want to do what I need to do, I cannot do what I want to do, I am stuck.
I cannot accept my love for what I hate, I cannot accept my hate for what I love, I am stuck.
I cannot accept going where I am going, I cannot accept staying where I am, I am stuck.
I cannot fall asleep, I cannot stay awake, I cannot find answers neither in light nor in dark, I am stuck.
Today is a day with different people departing on different journeys.
One of them is going to his university’s town for his graduation year. His short trip into his journey is going to show him small fragments of his goals. They are related to learning a new language, high grades, physical health and beauty, employment or a master program. He has already tasted a piece of his powers. I wish him all the success and luck on his journey.
I need to go. I cannot stay here any longer.
My mind is not coming with me.
Neither is my heart.
I thought I could move mountains,
But now, not even my body.
I need to go.
I cannot stay here any longer.
I am alone in this crowd.
I am happy in my tears.
I am sad in my smiles.
I am confused in my confidence.
I am silent in my screams.
A woman, With her little baby, little in any age, Her dear little, tinny baby, A baby, a child, a piece of her, Dies.
She loses her sweetheart baby. She is not a mother any more, to that baby. What on earth can patch her bleeding? Who can babysit her pain?
I don’t know you, or your baby, Why do you visit me in my imagination during day? Why do you visit me in my dreams during night?
For all I have done, For all I have said, For all I have behaved, I am sorry.
For all I couldn’t have done, For all I couldn’t have said, For all I couldn’t have behaved, I am sorry.
For hurting you instead of feeling my hurt, For wounding you instead of feeling my own, For causing you pain instead of feeling mine, I am sorry.
I know you when I know myself, I understand you when I understand myself, I forgive you when I forgive myself, I welcome you when I welcome myself.
Pieces of glasses, on the floor. In smallest pieces, still visible to the eye, scattered all around. It is the pieces of glasses watching itself. The air can not help the pieces come together and make any sense of it. They stay there causing bleeding until the day water arrives and washes it all away.
Pieces go under the water. Becomes one with the water. Stay in the darkness with the water.
A search continues, without me. I am not part of the search. I cannot stop it, I cannot help it.
My eye sees without me. My tongue tastes without me. My heart beats without me. I cannot stop it, I cannot help it.
I am in crowd but I feel lonely. I am safe but I feel scared. I am not in control. I am free but I feel imprisoned. I am relieved but I feel uncomfortable.
I am too small in this world. I am too helpless in this world. I am an invisible point in this universe. I am just a dust in this air. Who am I?
Am I this body? That I don’t control. Why would I be? Am I this mind? That I don’t control. Why would I be? Why am I not the earth? That I don’t control. Why am I not the universe?
I am walking out of the apartment. Again. Temporarily. I walked out of many other apartments. Permanently. Forever. I call this current one home. In the same way that I used to call other ones. They were home to other people as well. What made this one my home, my place, my safe place? What would happen if I didn’t go back home this time? What would happen if I would never find a home again, my home again?
I am going to Germany from Belgium, using a German brand car on German speed-limitless roads. I am going from my known safe apartment to my unknown scary nature. I am carrying my excitement for unknown and my fear of unknown, in the same luggage. I left my boring known home in the trash bin, not recycled. My mind is still when I am fastest.
city A city is the color gray.
Would robots ask if robots would take over the world? That would be funny.
What is the difference between a conditioned mind and a programmed mind?
What is the difference between an educated human and a machine-learned robot?
Would there be any difference between the answers of a human and a robot when asked: what makes a human different from a robot?
Why is human so scared of intelligent robots taking over?
Bir ay önceki Türkiye ziyaretimde yeğenlerim chips yemek istediler. Aklıma o an hayır demek yerine marshmallow deneyini uygulamak geldi. Önlerine indirdiklerimi yemedikleri sürece 2 katını vereceğimi söyledim. Süreyi de her seferinde arttırdım. Küçük olan diliyle uzanmaya başladı chips parçalarına, komikti. Masada oturan ablama, deneyi anlattım vs. Sonrasında o da bana bir diziden benzeri bir şey izletecegini söyledi. Videoyu bulamadı, hikayeyi anlattı. O, sahneden aklında kalanları anlatırken benim zihnimde başka şeyler canlanıyordu.
Imagine a box. A magical one. Anything can appear and disappear in this box.
A fancy car, a deadly accident, a sexy person, a bloody corpse, a beautiful sky, a shitty sky, a wealthy future, a penniless future, a cruel act, a compassionate act, a baby being born, a baby being killed, people enjoying the ocean, the ocean killing people, anything, everything, nothing. What a box.
There are ways to fill in this box.
Where do I go from here? Why do I go from here? How do I go from here? What is wrong with here and now? Who would tell me? What would be my source of direction?
Can it be family, friends? How about partners, societies? How about media, government, religion? What do you think of money, fame, material then? Is success a tempting apple? Could my source of direction be outside after all?
We were supposed to be their solutions, not their problems. We were supposed to be the source of unconditional love for them.
We were supposed to be trophies on their shelves. We were supposed to be solutions to their problems. Now we are trying to solve those same problems in the same way.
We are the next fancy phone, apartment, car, job of our parents. We are the shinny toys for children.
Let’s divide time in three parts and move between them. Those are yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Also, past, present/now, future. This division works for the life of an individual in the same way for the history of humanity. Let’s time-travel our judgment. What would happen if judgment judges itself? How does judgment affects living our lives?
I will use the word belief as an umbrella term for thought, opinion, judgment etc.
Who is a free human? What is a prison? What is freedom to a baby born into a prison?
Is family one of the walls of the prison? Is money one of the walls with multiple layers? Do all the delicious food, soft bed, and warm water look like walls? Is society one of the most colorful walls with the pictures of their gods? How about loneliness? Is that a seen-through wall?
Everything they told me, Starting with what my name is, What to eat, Where to sleep, when to wake up, Where to shit, When and which schools to go, Which top books to read, Which best movies to watch, What kind of music to listen to my naked ears, What to wear on my naked ass, Which top places to visit, Which job, partner, car, religion, apartment to pick? Even they told me, What is right and what is wrong, Who to hate and who to love, who to respect, even how much of that, they told me, What is good and what is bad, they told me, like their favorite food.
I have a family. I have more money than I need. I have the best possible form for a 30-year-old healthy person. I have all the time in the world. I have internet-devices providing all kinds of entertainment. I have access to all kinds of delicious food to stuff myself. I have access to all kinds of alcohol and drugs to numb myself. I have an ID card that lets me live in a peaceful society.
Sanki sana hiç sarılmadım, ölümünden önce, Sanki hiç öpmedim seni, ölümünden önce, Sanki hiç koklamadım seni, Dokunmadım sana, ölümünden önce, Sanki hiç görmedim gülüşünü, Aglayışını, ölümünden önce, Duymadım sesini, hissetmedim dokunuşunu, ölümünden önce, Hiç tutmadım ellerinden, ölümünden önce, Yürümedim seninle birlikte, Koşmadım seninle birlikte, Gülmedim seninle birlikte sanki hiç, ölümünden önce, Hiç sevmedim sanki seni, ölümünden önce, Şimdi sevdigim kadar.
youtube-music-conor-walsh-the-front
I want to change the world!
Say some, who do not know the world was already changed by them. Who is I? What is change? What is the world? Didn’t every one of us change the world already when people were aware of us for the first time? Didn’t you change the world of your parents? And more.
Which world are you planning to change? How many of them? What kind of change are you planning to initiate?
I see a star in the most beautiful blue sky. I wouldn’t want to be selfish, and keep it to myself. Naturally, I would like to share with other people. I make an attempt at showing it to them. They do not see it. I will give it another try. No, they do not see it. I am puzzled. What’s going on? Let’s take a journey in a dark sky and see how much fuel we can consume, if we ever reach a destination.
I feel fearless today. I would like to take a random flight. My thoughts flow as fast as the plane, and I am already in the air cruising. I have a couple sitting in the front row, with their lovely baby. An angel. While I enjoy entertaining the possibilities of a plane crush, the angel baby becomes a crying baby.
grown-ups I am looking around. I see that people start to become irritated.
Hey lovely people! I would like to share my story with a white board and a full body mirror (from here on, referred as simply mirror), and tell you how they are similar even though they are different. Finally, from those two steps how I reached the complete design of my dream room. I will give you a detailed picture of my future personal space.
white board I recall that I had the missing feeling of a white board in my apartment in Istanbul starting somewhere in 2018-19.
I would like to share the memory of the trip I made to the Belgium Coast. I have a few nice photos and stories left from the day spent in De Haan. It was my first after almost 2 years of living in Belgium, due partly to my creative laziness and corona. My reason for sharing is the same one of a flower just blooming where the human eye or touch has not been reached.
What does a mountain do? Stays still. What does a river do? Flows. Would it be possible to confuse a mountain with a river? Would it make any sense to treat a river as a mountain? How much of an effort would it be to ask a mountain to flow like a river? How much of an effort would it be to ask a river to stay still like a mountain?
I had the idea of writing this blog post almost a month ago. I even almost completed it. I did not like it though, so I did not publish it. Now that I found a name, that I am happy with, for the approach. I will try again. Previously, it was learning greedily. That sounded too negative. I was inspired by higher-order functions. It is a concept in math(h(g(f(x)))) and functional programming.
I am going to share a story that I had the chance to practice some things I have learned recently. I will go through the story as an example but at the end I will try to share a general structure. I believe that it will fit into most of the uncomfortable and unfortunate events. Let’s start.
It was the morning before my trip back to Brussels via Istanbul from my hometown.
In a professional setting or personal life, we face problems every day. We ignore problems, see problems, and sometimes solve problems. Ignoring problems is the easiest way to hell. Let’s start from the step that we have a problem that we are aware of, for the sake of the discussion. Recognizing problems is an art of itself, I would simply say. The question here is that if the problem, which is in front of us or expected of us to be solved, is an artificial one or a fundamental one?
Yesterday, as a first timer on hiking, I was promoted to intermediate hiker level by our experienced guide Mihai. Right after promotion, I almost fell on my butt from excitement. I would like to write down the story. It deserves to be remembered with more than just pictures.
before I was really happy when I heard that friends were planning a hike during the weekend. I like spending time in nature, but I am not yet brave or experienced enough to go on that journey myself.